The Love Theory, Volume III: The Five Stages of Singlehood, Part I

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.


- Jo Courdert

Sometime late last year, I was out with some friends. It was a mixed group of men and women. I eventually broke off into a conversation with one of the women who was relatively new to the group at that time. She asked me if I were single or involved with anyone at the time. I responded, "nope, I'm single. I'm actually 'supersingle'." It appeared as if her mind was blown. 


She asked, "supersingle? What does that even mean?"


Meanwhile, one of my boys heard some of the conversation and heard me when I told her that I was supersingle. He just gave the ole smile and nod. When she saw him smile and nod, she only grew more frustrated as she felt out of the loop; we knew what supersingle meant and she didn't. 


Supersingle is one of the five stages of singlehood that exists in the non-married world. Relationship status is not dichotomous; rather, it is dynamic within the married and single worlds. In this version of The Love Theory, I will discuss the different stages of singlehood and how they are dynamic. 


Stage 1: Committed


For those that have ever been in a non-marital committed relationship, remember how you filed a federal tax return? Notice how you had to file as "Single." In other words, if you do not have a marriage license, then the federal government does not give a f*** about your committed relationship or how long your committed relationship has lasted. To them, you are either married or single, though it can be a little more complex than that. It's mostly more of the same at the state level; however, states have their own laws about extending certain rights and privileges to persistent couples of different sex or same sex. 


Those that are in committed relationships, especially those that have persisted for a substantial amount of time, may not be too different from any married couple. However, they are not recognized by the federal government and state governments, to a large extent, as married. Stage 1 of singlehood is reserved for those that are committed, but are not technically married, though their actual relationships may not be any different from a married couple's relationship. They are only single by a technicality, the absence of a marriage license. 


Stage 2: Purgatory


I guess the name of this stage is an omen. Purgatory is not a good place in any situation. I'm not that good at Facebook, and it doesn't help that it constantly evolves whenever I get better at it. When I first created a Facebook account back in the mid-2000's and again in 2009, you had the choice of selecting your Relationship Status. One of the selections was "It's Complicated." These are the folks that are neither in a committed relationship or consider themselves completely single. They are not actively pursuing anyone else during their time in Purgatory, but they are not necessarily in a committed relationship with a particular person even though they may report to others, especially other potential suitors, that they are in a relationship as a way of declaring they are not available. They typically do not date in this stage depending on how much of a [male or female] philanderer, they are.   


Stage 3: Minnesota


If you have not been to Minnesota, it is a beautiful place. I was there during the summer years ago and I remember it being very pristine, green, and with lots of water everywhere. After all, it is dubbed "The Land of 10,000 Lakes," which is how the one-time Minneapolis Lakers earned its name. Another thing about the state of Minnesota is that Minneapolis is the home to the Target Corporation Headquarters. So it was some execs in Minneapolis that ratified a policy that made us consumers want to avoid wearing a red shirt when shopping at Target.    


Those in the Minnesota stage are not committed in any way; however, they have a specific person in mind that they may want a committed relationship with. They have a "Target." They may date outside their targeted person, but it is that targeted person that will put an end, at least in the short term, to dating other people as there would be a move towards exclusivity. 


Stage 4: Supersingle


I was not aware that the concept of supersingleness was divided by gender. When it is mentioned to guys, they instantly know what it meant. For the females that it was mentioned to, they all had no idea what the concept was, including the woman I was conversing with at the outing last year. 


When someone is supersingle, they are completely available while not having any particular targets as one would have while being in the Minnesota stage. They can be actively dating people, but none of the people they are dating have established themselves as someone to potentially be committed with. This does not mean it can not happen at a later juncture, however. The Supersingle stage is one of absolute freedom from any responsibilities to any other person in terms of courtship or commitment. The heart is totally unoccupied. 


Stage 5: Hades


The Committed and Purgatory stages have been established. If we have a Purgatory stage, and a Committed stage that can be seen as heaven, then it is only natural that we have Hades. Yes, the Underworld of Singlehood. Hades is where we go to die, in terms of relationships. Here, we consciously shut ourselves down and basically avoid trying or even making contact with potential suitors. We either been there before or know someone who has been there or is there right now. They consciously refuse to date anyone or even acknowledge any cues from other people to signify that they are interested. While the Supersingle's heart is an empty glass waiting to be filled, the Hades' heart is a glass that has been locked away in a cupboard. 


***


So, how do the five stages interact with each other?


To be continued...