The Toilet Seat Controversy (Contains Explicit Material. Reader Discretion Advised)
The Facebook Migration Series, Volume X
Originally written May 23, 2010
**Sigh** So here we go, The Toilet Seat Controversy (as promised). This has been a heated debate for as long as the toilet and its accompanying seat was invented. I know toilets go as far back as at least to ancient Rome. They weren't domesticated like those that we have now, they were communal. It wouldn't surprise me if Roman women complained about guys doing whatever it was they were doing on and around toilets 2,000 years ago.
What makes the Toilet Seat Controversy so compelling to me is that both sides, men and women, are so uncompromising, especially women. I usually take the "high" road when I write these types of notes. This will be a little different. I will write from the perspective as a man, so I will appear biased towards men. Nonetheless, I will be as fair as possible while trying to provoke thought as usual.
We as guys could be best thought of as thoughtless. We aren't necessarily evil or callous, but rather we have a sort of apathy. Some will call that a bad thing. I do not know if it is good or bad, but it is what it is. The toilet seat is something that really get to women for whatever reason. While women make their demands about the toilet seat, we men really just do not invest too much thought into a damn toilet seat. This isn't leaving the garage door open. This isn't forgetting to shut the lights off before leaving on vacation. This isn't forgetting to pick up little Chris III from soccer practice. It is a toilet seat.
Women get on us for two things about the toilet seat. The first I will discuss is the proverbial "leaving some on the toilet" that gets complained about. I shall defend us men on all things on this except for one aspect, which makes us men wrong.
There are several things to consider about men urinating. I am roughly 5 feet, 10 inches tall. When I urinate, the force at which the urine hits the toilet bowl and water is enough to cause splatter at times. This is when a mixture of the urine and water from the splatters onto the outer rim if the toilet. This is where I and men like me are different from other men. I am a huge fan of sanitation (and sanitation is an ironic term since urine is actually sterile and cannot transmit any disease or anything and is made up of 99% water anyway), so I use the tissue to actually clean the outer rim of the toilet if necessary. Not all guys do, and we as guys are absolutely wrong for that.
While I cannot defend men on not cleaning up their splatter, I can defend us on all other fronts. With splatter, there is no way any man can avoid that at all times. Women assume it has to do with aim all the time, but it doesn't. It is the splatter. As I said, splatter occurs for me when I'm only 5-10. I'm not tall by any means, and most men will have splatter as I do. It's just that we must clean up after ourselves. Now women, try to pee standing up and lets see how that works. Women have more of a challenge when trying to control their urine stream since they have to maneuver their body. So yeah, women can go ahead and kill us for leaving about .001% of our total urine on the rim, but I bet we could get more in the bowl if you were to stand up. Ha! Rather than teasing about how guys can't get it all into the bowl, just get on him about cleaning up after himself. That would be far more fair then getting upset over the impossibility of leaving no splatter on the rim.
There is another reason that guys miss, which is something we can sort of control, but not really. **Sigh** So our reproductive system is paired up with our urination system. We men do have ejaculations (and women can too, but we won't talk about that here...). I am confident that pretty much most if not all women has had some experience with our seminal fluid. There are three phases to this. First, when we are excited or stimulated for an extended amount of time, we secret something called Cowper's fluid or , better known as pre-cum for the layperson. This is a clear odorless sticky fluid that secretes for reasons unknown. The best guess out there is that it lubricates the urethra for the eventual ejaculation of semen that comes in this next phase. The second phase is the more obvious, famous event, the ejaculation of semen. We all know how semen is. It is somewhat thick and sticky. The last phase is this sort of post-ejaculatory fluid that is basically like the pre-cum, but sometimes has more sperm.
Where I'm going with this is back to the splatter. There is a scene in "Me Myself and Irene" with Jim Carey in which Carey's character was schizophrenic. He was with Renee Zellweger's character in a hotel. Carey goes back and forth between himself and his alter ego. In this scene, the good Carey wakes up and goes to the restroom to urinate. He starts to go and then he's just peeing literally all over the bathroom. When I first saw this, I was in tears. He rushes out the bathroom to ask Zellweger "Why did I pee like I had sex!?" It was because the alter ego Carey had sex while the real Carey was pushed aside by the alter ego in his mind.
If we have an ejaculation and don't urinate soon after, minute amounts of our seminal fluid will drain out before eventually drying up around our opening in our urethra. The next time we try to pee, our opening will be blocked, and our urine will sometimes come out in multiple directions **laughing**. This will cause some splatter **still laughing**. Again, it is a matter of us men cleaning up after ourselves. Some do, and some don't.
So, splatter is the first part women get on us about. The second is the positioning of the seat; men leaving the toilet seat up. I am a huge fan and defender of women (see the previous notes "Why Should I Ever Get Married Part IV," " Men Women, and Emotions," and "Why Can't Women be Bitches?"). However, I cannot defend women here. Here is where I become a jerk in the eyes of women. Here and here only, women are stupid. Yep, I said it. Let's see why.
Women complain about the toilet seat being left up. I would understand if they complain about this because it looks tacky or something, but no. Women actually complain about the seat being up because they say they will fall in toilet. This is really the stupidest shit I have ever heard of from men or women. So we can look both ways before crossing a street. We can drive, which takes awareness. We can look after children, which takes patience and careful observations. But somehow, someway, women cannot manage to look over their shoulder for a quick peek to see if the toilet seat is up or down? Again, this is the stupidest shit I have ever heard of. And so help me god if I see a women walk into a bathroom in which the toilet is highly visible and still can't see if the seat is up or down. I will certify you as the thee stupidest person alive. And trust me on this one. I will get my grandmother, who is a notary, to certify your certificate. Not seeing if the toilet seat is up or down is an utter lack of responsibility and accountability from a group of people that are otherwise very responsible.
To add to this stupid irresponsibility, women also act selfish and self-serving. Again, if women got on men for leaving the seat up because it looks tacky or could be hazardous for children or a pet, that's one thing. But that is not the case. It is to make their and only their using of the bathroom experience convenient. The action of looking and simply lowering the seat takes all but 1.2 seconds and hardly any energy. Hell, you use more energy by pulling down your garments and sitting down than you do lowering the seat. And to also try to make us feel bad for this is the worst. Again, this is not forgetting to pick up Chris III from soccer practice, it's a damn toilet seat that could be lowered without much time or effort. And I do not want to hear about when you have to go really bad and you don't have time to lower the seat. Men have that same issue, so I guess we can just urinate all over the seat when women leave the seat down. Who cares about the urine that gets on the seat, we had to go really bad. Or we men could just demand that you always leave the toilet seat up for us, which would be equally stupid.
In my place, I keep both the toilet seat AND toilet seat cover down because I like the way it looks and it offers as some sort of a compromise. When I have a...hmmm...I guess you call it a toilet seat cover cover that matches the floor mats, it just looks better. However, if a women comes through and leaves the toilet seat down, who gives a shit? I just put the damn thing up and let it rip. I'm not going to get on her about that. Now if she messes with my brush, now we got issues leaving her hair and crud in my bristles. That not cool at all. If I leave the seat up for whatever reason, and a women is irresponsible enough to not check to see if the seat is down, that's her own problem. I love women to death, and will defend them to the death, but I cannot defend them here. I still love you though...Ha!
Originally written May 23, 2010
What makes the Toilet Seat Controversy so compelling to me is that both sides, men and women, are so uncompromising, especially women. I usually take the "high" road when I write these types of notes. This will be a little different. I will write from the perspective as a man, so I will appear biased towards men. Nonetheless, I will be as fair as possible while trying to provoke thought as usual.
We as guys could be best thought of as thoughtless. We aren't necessarily evil or callous, but rather we have a sort of apathy. Some will call that a bad thing. I do not know if it is good or bad, but it is what it is. The toilet seat is something that really get to women for whatever reason. While women make their demands about the toilet seat, we men really just do not invest too much thought into a damn toilet seat. This isn't leaving the garage door open. This isn't forgetting to shut the lights off before leaving on vacation. This isn't forgetting to pick up little Chris III from soccer practice. It is a toilet seat.
Women get on us for two things about the toilet seat. The first I will discuss is the proverbial "leaving some on the toilet" that gets complained about. I shall defend us men on all things on this except for one aspect, which makes us men wrong.
There are several things to consider about men urinating. I am roughly 5 feet, 10 inches tall. When I urinate, the force at which the urine hits the toilet bowl and water is enough to cause splatter at times. This is when a mixture of the urine and water from the splatters onto the outer rim if the toilet. This is where I and men like me are different from other men. I am a huge fan of sanitation (and sanitation is an ironic term since urine is actually sterile and cannot transmit any disease or anything and is made up of 99% water anyway), so I use the tissue to actually clean the outer rim of the toilet if necessary. Not all guys do, and we as guys are absolutely wrong for that.
While I cannot defend men on not cleaning up their splatter, I can defend us on all other fronts. With splatter, there is no way any man can avoid that at all times. Women assume it has to do with aim all the time, but it doesn't. It is the splatter. As I said, splatter occurs for me when I'm only 5-10. I'm not tall by any means, and most men will have splatter as I do. It's just that we must clean up after ourselves. Now women, try to pee standing up and lets see how that works. Women have more of a challenge when trying to control their urine stream since they have to maneuver their body. So yeah, women can go ahead and kill us for leaving about .001% of our total urine on the rim, but I bet we could get more in the bowl if you were to stand up. Ha! Rather than teasing about how guys can't get it all into the bowl, just get on him about cleaning up after himself. That would be far more fair then getting upset over the impossibility of leaving no splatter on the rim.
There is another reason that guys miss, which is something we can sort of control, but not really. **Sigh** So our reproductive system is paired up with our urination system. We men do have ejaculations (and women can too, but we won't talk about that here...). I am confident that pretty much most if not all women has had some experience with our seminal fluid. There are three phases to this. First, when we are excited or stimulated for an extended amount of time, we secret something called Cowper's fluid or , better known as pre-cum for the layperson. This is a clear odorless sticky fluid that secretes for reasons unknown. The best guess out there is that it lubricates the urethra for the eventual ejaculation of semen that comes in this next phase. The second phase is the more obvious, famous event, the ejaculation of semen. We all know how semen is. It is somewhat thick and sticky. The last phase is this sort of post-ejaculatory fluid that is basically like the pre-cum, but sometimes has more sperm.
Where I'm going with this is back to the splatter. There is a scene in "Me Myself and Irene" with Jim Carey in which Carey's character was schizophrenic. He was with Renee Zellweger's character in a hotel. Carey goes back and forth between himself and his alter ego. In this scene, the good Carey wakes up and goes to the restroom to urinate. He starts to go and then he's just peeing literally all over the bathroom. When I first saw this, I was in tears. He rushes out the bathroom to ask Zellweger "Why did I pee like I had sex!?" It was because the alter ego Carey had sex while the real Carey was pushed aside by the alter ego in his mind.
If we have an ejaculation and don't urinate soon after, minute amounts of our seminal fluid will drain out before eventually drying up around our opening in our urethra. The next time we try to pee, our opening will be blocked, and our urine will sometimes come out in multiple directions **laughing**. This will cause some splatter **still laughing**. Again, it is a matter of us men cleaning up after ourselves. Some do, and some don't.
So, splatter is the first part women get on us about. The second is the positioning of the seat; men leaving the toilet seat up. I am a huge fan and defender of women (see the previous notes "Why Should I Ever Get Married Part IV," " Men Women, and Emotions," and "Why Can't Women be Bitches?"). However, I cannot defend women here. Here is where I become a jerk in the eyes of women. Here and here only, women are stupid. Yep, I said it. Let's see why.
Women complain about the toilet seat being left up. I would understand if they complain about this because it looks tacky or something, but no. Women actually complain about the seat being up because they say they will fall in toilet. This is really the stupidest shit I have ever heard of from men or women. So we can look both ways before crossing a street. We can drive, which takes awareness. We can look after children, which takes patience and careful observations. But somehow, someway, women cannot manage to look over their shoulder for a quick peek to see if the toilet seat is up or down? Again, this is the stupidest shit I have ever heard of. And so help me god if I see a women walk into a bathroom in which the toilet is highly visible and still can't see if the seat is up or down. I will certify you as the thee stupidest person alive. And trust me on this one. I will get my grandmother, who is a notary, to certify your certificate. Not seeing if the toilet seat is up or down is an utter lack of responsibility and accountability from a group of people that are otherwise very responsible.
To add to this stupid irresponsibility, women also act selfish and self-serving. Again, if women got on men for leaving the seat up because it looks tacky or could be hazardous for children or a pet, that's one thing. But that is not the case. It is to make their and only their using of the bathroom experience convenient. The action of looking and simply lowering the seat takes all but 1.2 seconds and hardly any energy. Hell, you use more energy by pulling down your garments and sitting down than you do lowering the seat. And to also try to make us feel bad for this is the worst. Again, this is not forgetting to pick up Chris III from soccer practice, it's a damn toilet seat that could be lowered without much time or effort. And I do not want to hear about when you have to go really bad and you don't have time to lower the seat. Men have that same issue, so I guess we can just urinate all over the seat when women leave the seat down. Who cares about the urine that gets on the seat, we had to go really bad. Or we men could just demand that you always leave the toilet seat up for us, which would be equally stupid.
In my place, I keep both the toilet seat AND toilet seat cover down because I like the way it looks and it offers as some sort of a compromise. When I have a...hmmm...I guess you call it a toilet seat cover cover that matches the floor mats, it just looks better. However, if a women comes through and leaves the toilet seat down, who gives a shit? I just put the damn thing up and let it rip. I'm not going to get on her about that. Now if she messes with my brush, now we got issues leaving her hair and crud in my bristles. That not cool at all. If I leave the seat up for whatever reason, and a women is irresponsible enough to not check to see if the seat is down, that's her own problem. I love women to death, and will defend them to the death, but I cannot defend them here. I still love you though...Ha!
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