The Revisionist's American Dream (Volume II): What is Nice?

You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.


-Pearl Buck

Several weeks ago, I had another one of those deep conversations with one of my good friends, someone who probably knows me the most of anyone in this world. He brought up something that I have noticed for many years, but nobody noticed until he did that night.

"...So here's the thing," he starts. "We have the basically the same upbringing."

"Yep."

"We are both minorities. We both are educated and went to the same school. We have mostly the same outlook on life. We were born exactly two weeks apart and lived in the same neighborhood for a while. We come from the same kind of family."

"I know."

"And like, I would admit that you a very strong, caring, upstanding guy, like more upstanding than I could ever be. And yet, if you and I were to do or say the exact same thing with the exact same intentions, people will interpret your words or actions differently from mine, and usually for the worst."

"Man," I reply with a subtle chuckle. "That just how it's always been, man, and I just learned to accept it a long time ago."

"But why, though? Like what is it about you that turns people off when you and I are basically the same guy?"

This conversation had to be one of greatest conversations we ever had, and we had plenty of epic conversations. I wish we could have captured it on a podcast or something (darn!).

Anyhow, why? Why do I project such a negative reaction to people when my words and actions mirrors those of others? Between the two great minds in that conversation, neither of us could think of any rational reason, perhaps maybe because the reasons are not rational.

I can answer, however, as to what people always say about me, even those that I am friends with to this day. Since I was a small child, many people always asked me, why are you so mad? As I became more sociable, people started to tell me how they thought I was mean initially. I eventually got tired of those types of questions and would answer that my natural facial posture is one that is very focused-looking, I guess. Despite not knowing anything about me, many people automatically labeled me as "mean," which is joke to me, and I think I'm starting to know why.

It seems as though most people are preoccupied with the projections of niceness. I also feel many prefer to project niceness as a way of projecting themselves in a positive light as opposed to genuinely being nice. However, how often do we find those people that project niceness turnout not to actually be as nice as they initially projected? I see it all the time [especially and more so with women, but that's another issue].

For instance, I recently had a problem at work where a specific group of people have a problem with me. They call me rude, weird, unapproachable, withdrawn, and discourteous. To speed up the story, they have treated me a certain way in the past which simply made me leave them alone, as in you treat me a certain way that isn't good, and I'll just leave you alone. Well, my boss agrees with them and essentially agrees that I have to accommodate their needs based on their own social expectations, which in essence created a double standard and a higher set of expectations for me. All this for what? For this specific group of people, this is what I have done for them:

• I've been planning a Disneyland trip for one of them because in all of her years being in southern California, she has never been to Disneyland. This is a person I laugh and joke with everyday...
• Though one doesn't work in our department, but will work with us for a little while, I've spent countless hours with this person. I spent two hours after work trying to get with my friend, who makes glass pumpkins, to see about getting one made for her.
• When she first started, I was the first one that came over and acknowledged her and invited her to numerous work events or outings. 
• I'm the one person in the office that goes over and acknowledged her birthday.
• This person is someone that I've looked out for for years. I was the one looking out for a counseling job since that's what she wanted to do (she has a Master's degree in counseling). I contacted my cousin, a counselor, to see what was out there.
• I invited her to my Superbowl party, something that I paid for with my own money
• When her kid went missing, I was one blowing up her phone with concern and trying to see how I could help...this was during my Superbowl party (by the way, she still hasn't called me back to this day to let me know something)
• Many of these people were let into my apartment one day after work, into my own personal space when I know for a fact two those people would have me arrested if I so much as asked them to see their places.
• I spent many hours setting up the fantasy football league we did for the office while personally helping so many people (fantasy football is actually pretty hard). 
• I drove to Torrance to get them a cake for their anniversary (and receive no payback for it from anyone in the office, not that I really care though)

And there is plenty more that I won't get into for the sake of brevity. Remember all the consternation about me not being nice and my boss talking to me about it? Well those people that did the complaining, the same people I did a ton for, said that they don't like the way I don't go out of my way to say hi to them (never mind them never saying anything to me either). That's it. I don't travel across our office, as I sit on the opposite side and far away from most in the office, to appease them; thus, I am a mean guy. All that goodwill tossed by the wayside for not projecting niceness as they see it. 

So what is nice? I'm learning that people would prefer for you to project niceness rather than being nice with the actions you do. I live in Los Angeles, the superficiality capital of the United States. Perhaps it's an L.A. thing. I didn't feel that that was the case when I traveled to other parts of the U.S. 

I am on the other side, however. I feel that niceness is something more genuine and altruistic. I am always concerned with the underlying well-being of others and doing or saying things to help them or make them feel good about themselves. Though I'm not a Christian anymore, that is the one of the legacies I maintained; niceness should be about how you treat others and what you can do for them. Jesus didn't go around trying to appease everyone's insecurities; he went around performing niceness because it was in his heart. Seems as though Jesus wouldn't be accepted around here if he were to comeback in this day and age. Many will think he's just a smartass who doesn't care about them because he didn't ask them about their cat despite him giving them vision or, ya' know, like dying for their sins. 

As a self-proclaimed Revisionist, I wish we lived in a world in which people weren't so self-centered. Nice is often seen as other people meeting their every little need and expectation. And when a shred of that expectation or need isn't met, that person is somehow not nice. I would hope that does not have to be the case. Nobody owes me anything. Those people at work have treated me terribly in the past, like terribly. However, I didn't judge them and say they weren't nice. They just had something against me, which is fine. I didn't tell on them or talk behind their backs at anytime. I just left them alone and was still there for them when needed. I would hope that I, or anyone for that matter, wouldn't be seen as automatically mean because of the insecurities of others. 

I am seeing it all over society and in the media. People are getting way too entitled and needy. We need to man-up and woman-up and get over ourselves. And people ask why I choose to remain single...