Men, Women, and Emotions
The Facebook Migration Series, Volume IV
Originally written July 26, 2009
"I'm emotional, and I can't let go./I am trying to hold on to you./Though it hurts me so, gotta let you know./That the love we once shared now is through, saying goodbye to you."
The above is from the song "Emotional" by Carl Thomas from his album also titled "Emotional." This song is one of those songs that will stay in my lifelong playlist.Carl is basically acknowledging his flow of emotions over, you guessed it, a woman. Apparently whatever was shared between he and whatever woman is now over. Carl is simply emotional, whatever that means.
Last Saturday, I was doing my once every three week ritual, getting a haircut. Being an African-American male, getting a haircut in a Black Barbershop is not your everyday barter. Getting a haircut is simply not enough. Oh no! The two barbers that operate the barbershop virtually put on a show for me as well all of their paying customers and visitors. It is truly a funny experience. They both go on about so many topics, and it seems like there is always a different one every time I get my haircut. The funniest has to be their divide over the Lakers and Kobe Bryant. My barber, who I will call "B," is the Antikobe as put by the Holy Book of Kobe. To say that he can't stand Kobe would not do it justice. Kobe is plain and simply the reason for all wars, the reason for famine, the reason for all pain and suffering that has ever existed. The other barber, called "E," shall defend Kobe to his grave. His admiration for Kobe does not go as far as B's resent for Kobe, but B brings out the Crusader in him. This makes for epic arguements, all the while I do not feel the clippers touching my head as B rants about the superstar basketball player.
"Man you crazy," B yells in his powerful, deep voice. "That's all Kobe do is shoot! Just a big ole' showboat!"
"Cmon with all dat craziness," E responds. "That's just typical hatin' man. That's just ridiculous."
It goes on and on, and then on.
Rather than the Kobe debate that day, E mentioned one of his conversations with "Lil Momma," as he calls whatever female interest is in his life at that time.
"Man B, I had a long talk with Lil Momma."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah man. We had a long talk or whatever. I had to tell her that she was too emotional."
"Ha ha ha ha," B responds with one of those laughs, but not quite laughing laughs.
"I had to break it down to her man. I was like women are emotional and we guys are logical. We like to think things through and be rational about stuff."
"Yep. Yep. Break it down E!"
E has mentioned a classical source of interest between men and women. Guys are logical and women are emotional. This is the source of my discussion here. What is all this talk about guys being logical and women being emotional? What does this even mean? I always hear about how women tend not to deal with rationality and stay with emotions. Not surprisingly, this comes from primarily men, and the few "Guy-Girls" I've known. Women express how their men could never see their side, or be there for them emotionally. In other words, men are not emotional, and women are not logical. Really?
As a future psychologist, I am also a believer, in some respects, in evolutionary psychology. I do not go as far as to say people could rationalize their behavior by saying they are simply programmed that way genetically. I am saying that a man cannot go out and sleep around on his woman or man just because "men are genetically geared to reproduce with more than one woman!" That is not cool at all if fooling around with other people is not part of the deal of the relationship. Anyhow, I believe that some of our behavior as humans are reflective of necessary adaptations generated to allow us a better change at survival. Males seem to be equipped with all the things necessary for protecting and providing for the family. Elevated testosterone in males creates a more aggressive nature, while women, the, not only child-rearing, but family-rearing, have lower levels of this aggressive hormone. Women take on more of the supportive role while males take on the provider-protective role. This does not mean that women did not and do not take on the provider-protective role themselves (see modern single-mothers), or men do not and cannot be supportive, but tendencies of the different sexes seem to tip the scales in one way or another.
We live in a society that has been dominated primarily by men, at least when it comes to ruling land and policy. Naturally, because of this, whatever is right by men is just that, right. Being in a dominant position, one gets to tell they story how they want it to be told. They get to decide all the truth, while not acknowleging their own flaws.
Whenever a man says that a woman is emotional, it does not bother me too much, because it usually comes out of frustration from dealing with one. The part I get annoyed at is when it comes as a slight or form of criticism. There is a very interesting book that I encourage people to read called, "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen. Tannen sets out to tackle the issue of the men-from-Mars-and-women-from-Venus phenomenon. Tannen drives home the point that men and woman are different in behavior and conversation. She writes this from the perspective of a scientific woman. She realizes the long standing bias and double standard against women. Women, typically by men, are looked at negatively just by being who they are. What Tannen says is that men and woman are different when engaging with respect to the social situation.
Saying women are not logical is just as asinine as saying eating bricks will cause the worlds oceans to evaporate. If women were not able to function rationally, how would they persist in society? Cooking a meal takes logic. It takes great judgment to not use the right kind of season, the right temperature, the right fire setting, the right portion as to make enough for everyone, but not too much. Women get jobs that are just like the jobs of men. Being emotional would not let anyone, much less a woman, get a managerial position. My boss makes her decisions purely in the sense of rational rather than emotion. The point I am making here is that women are just as capable as being rational, logical people as men.
Men also forget how they are just as emotional as women are logical, when the situation calls for it. There are many instances in which men get emotional. And guess what? Men even get emotional at the expense of rationale! I could go over to the local park or 24 Hour Fitness and watch a basketball game being played by men. There are guys that yelling, cursing, and getting upset over what? A meaningless game. I do not mean to impose by cynicism on them by calling their game frivolous, but winning or losing this game is not going to seriously impact their lives. I could understand if they were professionals with their way of life on the line, but this is purely recreation. What about when men make nonsensical purchases for the sake of feeling good? We all know that one guy that has to spend all that money on a sound system. Why? They are not financially well-off, and they buy a pricey item that is a depreciating asset, something you want to minimize. The reason is that those guys want to feel good. Is feeling good not emotion? Does this emotion come at the expense of rationale? Yes and yes.
There are times in which the situation causes both men and women to be emotional or logical together. When there is a tragedy, both men and women become emotional. When there is a crisis, in which a problem needs to be solved, both men and women are logical. Men and women are equally capable of being emotional and logical, but the social situation causes a perception of differences between men and women.
As Tannen mentions in her book, women look at social situations differently than men. Women tend to be more about the group and the support structure it encompasses. In social settings, they are looking to provide comfort and support, and maintain group harmony, by and large. Men, on the other hand, have been socialized to be individual. When you are an individual, your are in a constant fight to attain status. Therefore, when men are put in a social setting, they are looking to gain that status as opposed to contributing to group harmony. I implore anyone to do this next time they are in a group conversation with men, especially if you are a woman. Notice how many times a man is looking to one-up you or someone else, or how many times they cut you or someone off. Also, look at how they offer words of advice rather than words of support or encouragement. I am not calling men wrong, but it is just the way they are programmed socially. It tends to be opposite for women. This is where the conflict comes between men and women. Women want that support while men are looking to solve a perceived (or real) problem.
"It's just emotion that's taken me over/Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul/But if you don't come back/Come home to me, darling/Dont you know there's nobody left in this world/to hold me tight/Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight."
The above excerpt is from "Emotion," by Destiny's Child. The girls are in despair as a result of their emotions. Surprise, surprise, this is a result of a man, though there is no use of pronouns in the song. I have linked the girls with Carl Thomas, a man, to show that men are capable of those very emotional episodes that are seen and sometimes ridicules when a woman has them. Women are logical and emotional, and men are logical and emotional; however, men and women are programmed to act differently in social situations, causing an apparent difference that may not really exist.
Originally written July 26, 2009
The above is from the song "Emotional" by Carl Thomas from his album also titled "Emotional." This song is one of those songs that will stay in my lifelong playlist.Carl is basically acknowledging his flow of emotions over, you guessed it, a woman. Apparently whatever was shared between he and whatever woman is now over. Carl is simply emotional, whatever that means.
Last Saturday, I was doing my once every three week ritual, getting a haircut. Being an African-American male, getting a haircut in a Black Barbershop is not your everyday barter. Getting a haircut is simply not enough. Oh no! The two barbers that operate the barbershop virtually put on a show for me as well all of their paying customers and visitors. It is truly a funny experience. They both go on about so many topics, and it seems like there is always a different one every time I get my haircut. The funniest has to be their divide over the Lakers and Kobe Bryant. My barber, who I will call "B," is the Antikobe as put by the Holy Book of Kobe. To say that he can't stand Kobe would not do it justice. Kobe is plain and simply the reason for all wars, the reason for famine, the reason for all pain and suffering that has ever existed. The other barber, called "E," shall defend Kobe to his grave. His admiration for Kobe does not go as far as B's resent for Kobe, but B brings out the Crusader in him. This makes for epic arguements, all the while I do not feel the clippers touching my head as B rants about the superstar basketball player.
"Man you crazy," B yells in his powerful, deep voice. "That's all Kobe do is shoot! Just a big ole' showboat!"
"Cmon with all dat craziness," E responds. "That's just typical hatin' man. That's just ridiculous."
It goes on and on, and then on.
Rather than the Kobe debate that day, E mentioned one of his conversations with "Lil Momma," as he calls whatever female interest is in his life at that time.
"Man B, I had a long talk with Lil Momma."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah man. We had a long talk or whatever. I had to tell her that she was too emotional."
"Ha ha ha ha," B responds with one of those laughs, but not quite laughing laughs.
"I had to break it down to her man. I was like women are emotional and we guys are logical. We like to think things through and be rational about stuff."
"Yep. Yep. Break it down E!"
E has mentioned a classical source of interest between men and women. Guys are logical and women are emotional. This is the source of my discussion here. What is all this talk about guys being logical and women being emotional? What does this even mean? I always hear about how women tend not to deal with rationality and stay with emotions. Not surprisingly, this comes from primarily men, and the few "Guy-Girls" I've known. Women express how their men could never see their side, or be there for them emotionally. In other words, men are not emotional, and women are not logical. Really?
As a future psychologist, I am also a believer, in some respects, in evolutionary psychology. I do not go as far as to say people could rationalize their behavior by saying they are simply programmed that way genetically. I am saying that a man cannot go out and sleep around on his woman or man just because "men are genetically geared to reproduce with more than one woman!" That is not cool at all if fooling around with other people is not part of the deal of the relationship. Anyhow, I believe that some of our behavior as humans are reflective of necessary adaptations generated to allow us a better change at survival. Males seem to be equipped with all the things necessary for protecting and providing for the family. Elevated testosterone in males creates a more aggressive nature, while women, the, not only child-rearing, but family-rearing, have lower levels of this aggressive hormone. Women take on more of the supportive role while males take on the provider-protective role. This does not mean that women did not and do not take on the provider-protective role themselves (see modern single-mothers), or men do not and cannot be supportive, but tendencies of the different sexes seem to tip the scales in one way or another.
We live in a society that has been dominated primarily by men, at least when it comes to ruling land and policy. Naturally, because of this, whatever is right by men is just that, right. Being in a dominant position, one gets to tell they story how they want it to be told. They get to decide all the truth, while not acknowleging their own flaws.
Whenever a man says that a woman is emotional, it does not bother me too much, because it usually comes out of frustration from dealing with one. The part I get annoyed at is when it comes as a slight or form of criticism. There is a very interesting book that I encourage people to read called, "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen. Tannen sets out to tackle the issue of the men-from-Mars-and-women-from-Venus phenomenon. Tannen drives home the point that men and woman are different in behavior and conversation. She writes this from the perspective of a scientific woman. She realizes the long standing bias and double standard against women. Women, typically by men, are looked at negatively just by being who they are. What Tannen says is that men and woman are different when engaging with respect to the social situation.
Saying women are not logical is just as asinine as saying eating bricks will cause the worlds oceans to evaporate. If women were not able to function rationally, how would they persist in society? Cooking a meal takes logic. It takes great judgment to not use the right kind of season, the right temperature, the right fire setting, the right portion as to make enough for everyone, but not too much. Women get jobs that are just like the jobs of men. Being emotional would not let anyone, much less a woman, get a managerial position. My boss makes her decisions purely in the sense of rational rather than emotion. The point I am making here is that women are just as capable as being rational, logical people as men.
Men also forget how they are just as emotional as women are logical, when the situation calls for it. There are many instances in which men get emotional. And guess what? Men even get emotional at the expense of rationale! I could go over to the local park or 24 Hour Fitness and watch a basketball game being played by men. There are guys that yelling, cursing, and getting upset over what? A meaningless game. I do not mean to impose by cynicism on them by calling their game frivolous, but winning or losing this game is not going to seriously impact their lives. I could understand if they were professionals with their way of life on the line, but this is purely recreation. What about when men make nonsensical purchases for the sake of feeling good? We all know that one guy that has to spend all that money on a sound system. Why? They are not financially well-off, and they buy a pricey item that is a depreciating asset, something you want to minimize. The reason is that those guys want to feel good. Is feeling good not emotion? Does this emotion come at the expense of rationale? Yes and yes.
There are times in which the situation causes both men and women to be emotional or logical together. When there is a tragedy, both men and women become emotional. When there is a crisis, in which a problem needs to be solved, both men and women are logical. Men and women are equally capable of being emotional and logical, but the social situation causes a perception of differences between men and women.
As Tannen mentions in her book, women look at social situations differently than men. Women tend to be more about the group and the support structure it encompasses. In social settings, they are looking to provide comfort and support, and maintain group harmony, by and large. Men, on the other hand, have been socialized to be individual. When you are an individual, your are in a constant fight to attain status. Therefore, when men are put in a social setting, they are looking to gain that status as opposed to contributing to group harmony. I implore anyone to do this next time they are in a group conversation with men, especially if you are a woman. Notice how many times a man is looking to one-up you or someone else, or how many times they cut you or someone off. Also, look at how they offer words of advice rather than words of support or encouragement. I am not calling men wrong, but it is just the way they are programmed socially. It tends to be opposite for women. This is where the conflict comes between men and women. Women want that support while men are looking to solve a perceived (or real) problem.
"It's just emotion that's taken me over/Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul/But if you don't come back/Come home to me, darling/Dont you know there's nobody left in this world/to hold me tight/Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight."
The above excerpt is from "Emotion," by Destiny's Child. The girls are in despair as a result of their emotions. Surprise, surprise, this is a result of a man, though there is no use of pronouns in the song. I have linked the girls with Carl Thomas, a man, to show that men are capable of those very emotional episodes that are seen and sometimes ridicules when a woman has them. Women are logical and emotional, and men are logical and emotional; however, men and women are programmed to act differently in social situations, causing an apparent difference that may not really exist.
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