On Interracial Mate Selection: Part IV (Black Men and Non-Black Women)
The Facebook Migration Series, Volume VII
Originally written November 30, 2009
I was not going to bother with this until I just tried to relax to eventually go to sleep. I made the mistake of taking a nap earlier today, throwing off my circadian rhythm. Now, I am going to be up for a while with absolutely nothing to do. Since I am going to be up, why not attack this portion of my "On Interracial Mate Selection" series? I covered several of the issues that our society has about interracial mating from its history to what different people may think about it. In this part of the series, I will discuss something that may be very controversial to some, perhaps not many, black people, especially black women. The focus is going to be on the polarizing black male and his selection of a mate when she is not a black woman.
Before we can delve into black men mating with non-black women, we must first take a look at the black male. I previously mentioned how the black male is very polarizing. When I say polarizing, I mean with respect to America as a whole. Black males make up one of the more interesting demographics in this country. At the same time, they are one of the most troubled. A disturbingly high percentage of black males are incarcerated; have no or minimal education, much less a college education; unemployed; culprits of bastardy; create a perception of bad decorum; high detrimental behavior involvement; high STD rates and involvement in risk behaviors; high gang involvement; and ignorant-based self-disenfranchisement. The reasons for this could not possibly be covered in this note or any other note for that matter, perhaps someone's dissertation or painstaking research would do the trick. With all that being said, black males are still awesome. I mean just check out the author. It goes without saying. They have this thing that cannot be fully described. When I had a conversation with one of my females friends, who is black, about her taking a shot with a non-black male if one were to ever come along, she replied, "I don't know. There is something about black men that I just love. I can't see myself with anything else." It is as if black men have this inherent coolness, for lack of a better term, about them that non-black-male people love.
You may have seen how this coolness of black males has been placed in the media. There is much use of hip-hop, which is an arena dominated by black males, in many places and forums, such as sporting events, clubs and lounges, and commercial ads. A funny thing happened tonight. I had the television on in the background as I was doing some work for tomorrow. On the channel 11 news, they had a piece about shopping, I guess. They were playing T.I.'s "Get It" from his album "King." Maybe it's nothing, but it was funny to me that that was playing in the background of the piece. You may not have to see this only in the media. You may see social groups in which the lone or scarce black male(s) are looked at as the perceived cool one. I should say that I do not think that all black males have this "cool" perception that is out there, but this perception exists for a reason. When my friend, and other black women, say that they just love black men so much even when they as a whole are one of more troubled groups in this country, it is telling you something: perhaps a good black male is a very prized possession.
A good black male is obviously something that is subjective, but I think it's not hard to determine who would be considered good by most women. A good black male does not have to be a well-to-do doctor or some famous entertainer. A good black male could be simply one that has acknowledged the fact that there comes a time where he needs to be man; knows his responsibilities especially if he has a child and overcome whatever issues there are with the mother to take care of that child; is not suffering from ignorance-based disenfranchisement; and the list could go on. With the problems the black male demographic has, a good black male is precious and perhaps highly coveted; hence why I hear so many black women almost refusing to merely date outside the race in hopes of settling in on a good black male.
While the black male is one of the most troubled groups in this country, he is still one of the most desired groups out there.
Over the years, there has been much ado about black men mating non-black women. As a black man, I was intrigued by the title of a motion picture called "The Diary of a Tired Black Man." It was okay, I guess. I Netflixed it. It was a documentary mixed with film shorts that told a story. It evolved from a little short that played on the internet to an actual motion picture. Anyhow, the most admirable aspect of the film is that it finally showed the perspective of a decent black guy. With all that is said about black men and just men in general, not much is said about the less than stellar women that exists. In this movie, the troubles of a decent man about women were shown. Where this is relevant to the topic is one of the shorts. In this particular short, the black couple had divorced. The black guy came to the house they once owned together to do something (it escapes me since it has been a long time since I have seen it). When he arrived, his ex-wife and a pack of "attitude-having" black women were there being angry. His ex-wife was livid about who was in his car. She yells to him, "Oh no you didn't bring that white girl into my driveway!" The black guy moved on and started dating a white woman. The black women's hostility seems a little racist to me, but I won't get into that much more. So, they were upset at the black guy for merely dating a non-black woman despite them being divorced and the relationship between the black guy and the white woman having no impact on their daily lives once so ever.
To some, even in this day and age, black men being with non-black women, especially white women, is tough to swallow. Just to speculate, perhaps this is due to there being so small a pool of black men to chose from (well not really chose from, but you know what I am trying to say...I hope). Who knows? Some may think that black males have something against black women. I cannot speak for all black men, but I do not think we actually say, "hey, I'm gonna go out and find me a non-black chick!" Well, maybe some do for other exploratory reasons that I will not get into. Anyway, I could give you the perspective of a guy that has seen all or most sides of this issue.
I am going to reference Chris Rock again whether you like it or not. I cannot help myself because Rock is money on so many topics that I have actually thought about myself. I must remind you yet again that my memory when it comes to these things is horrible at best. I think it may have been his special "Never Scared" (maybe "Kill the Messenger"...I don't know really). So, he says, "...the difference between black men and black women is that black men are willing to try out the whole menu!" Again, more laughter from Christopher (me). Rock is saying that black men do not care about anything about the woman as long as she works for them. They simply want a good woman, whatever that is. If she is black or white, so be it. To be humorous, when I am asked about different women, I usually say, "no matter the race or ethnicity, it's all the same on the inside anyway." Maybe this cannot be said for women about non-black men. Whether warranted or not, black men get credit for being well endowed, great in bed, great dancers, more suave, etc. These are all stereotypes, but I can also say that stereotypes are over-generalizations of the truth. Getting back to Rock's comment, plenty of my black comrades have gone outside the race if even for a short thrill. They were not looking to go outside the race, it just happened. It's somewhat weird how one of the most discriminated against group shows the most tolerance when it comes to mate selection.
I can write this as a black male that has dated outside of my race. I can describe the woman to you here and now. She is beautiful, has one of the most gorgeous smiles I have ever seen (which actually attracted me in the first place), has an outstanding personality, a good sense of humor, very hard working and doing what she has to do to get where she wants to be, intelligent, shares many of the same viewpoints on life with me, and is very down to earth. Nowhere in this description did I mention she was Korean and why should I? Should I not give myself an opportunity at a woman simply because she is not black? The fact of the matter is that I like WOMEN. I good woman comes in all shapes, sizes, and races. Also, a bad woman comes in all shapes, sizes, and races. Why bother nitpicking race when whether or not a woman is good depends on the individual and not her particular race or ethnicity? In my opinion, it would be very narrow-minded and short-sided.
I have two relatives (well they aren't technically related, but in our family, we have certain family friends that we just call family) that are middle-age black women. On two separate occasions, each just randomly said to me, "I can see you getting with a white chick." I had a hollow if not non-existent response to that. A part of me laughed it off, another was bewildered, and another somewhat hurt. I laughed it off because it was said to me in a humorous tone, but still a little serious. I was bewildered because I did not know why this comment was warranted, especially since I have only been attracted to one white woman in my life. Also, they did not know my dating patterns to have a general idea as to what type of women I like. Lastly, I was somewhat hurt because I felt like I was slighted as to say black women would never be into me. Many thoughts ran through my mind. I thought maybe I wasn't "black" enough, "cool" enough, or lacked something that black women needed or something. I am not some stuck-up guy by any stretch of the imagination. I have never laid judgement on anyone ever. This includes any type of black woman. It was not until I was 21 when I finally fell for a non-black girl. That statement really made no sense to me other than I was seen as not good enough for my own women. That hurt me especially all that I have invested emotionally towards black women, given what they have endured and are still enduring on some level. I eventually was able to shrug it off and proceed with being who I am in comfortable manner.
I have had my fair share of problems with black women. I have been teased, ridiculed, mocked, ignored, shunned, laughed at, rejected, stood up, cursed, and everything else imaginable by black women. So? It's more a matter of being exposed to them. If I were exposed to other types of women, it would have been the same. I could easily have the excuse to just date pretty much exclusively outside of my race, but I am way too smart to know that would be, bluntly, stupid. I could not cast judgement on every black woman due to my experiences. I just have ran into women that were not into me just because they were not into me. It had nothing to due with race, but my perceived wackness to them. Today, I am just as much into black women as I am with any other type of women, though black women have a more sentimental place in my heart as a result of growing up surrounded by them. As with a lot of black males, we date outside the race just by happenstance rather than consciously and arbitrarily pursuing a non-black woman, at least for the most part. When I or any other black man is seen with a non-black woman, it should not be taken as an act of betrayal. Nobody knows what he was been through, neither have they met the woman he is with to better understand why he is with her. So, when Kanye says, "...and when you get on he leave yo ass fo ah white girl," I would hope that guy is leaving the black woman for the white woman because the white woman just so happen to be better for him rather than him thinking a white woman is a more worthy trophy than a black woman or any other kind of woman.
Originally written November 30, 2009
Before we can delve into black men mating with non-black women, we must first take a look at the black male. I previously mentioned how the black male is very polarizing. When I say polarizing, I mean with respect to America as a whole. Black males make up one of the more interesting demographics in this country. At the same time, they are one of the most troubled. A disturbingly high percentage of black males are incarcerated; have no or minimal education, much less a college education; unemployed; culprits of bastardy; create a perception of bad decorum; high detrimental behavior involvement; high STD rates and involvement in risk behaviors; high gang involvement; and ignorant-based self-disenfranchisement. The reasons for this could not possibly be covered in this note or any other note for that matter, perhaps someone's dissertation or painstaking research would do the trick. With all that being said, black males are still awesome. I mean just check out the author. It goes without saying. They have this thing that cannot be fully described. When I had a conversation with one of my females friends, who is black, about her taking a shot with a non-black male if one were to ever come along, she replied, "I don't know. There is something about black men that I just love. I can't see myself with anything else." It is as if black men have this inherent coolness, for lack of a better term, about them that non-black-male people love.
You may have seen how this coolness of black males has been placed in the media. There is much use of hip-hop, which is an arena dominated by black males, in many places and forums, such as sporting events, clubs and lounges, and commercial ads. A funny thing happened tonight. I had the television on in the background as I was doing some work for tomorrow. On the channel 11 news, they had a piece about shopping, I guess. They were playing T.I.'s "Get It" from his album "King." Maybe it's nothing, but it was funny to me that that was playing in the background of the piece. You may not have to see this only in the media. You may see social groups in which the lone or scarce black male(s) are looked at as the perceived cool one. I should say that I do not think that all black males have this "cool" perception that is out there, but this perception exists for a reason. When my friend, and other black women, say that they just love black men so much even when they as a whole are one of more troubled groups in this country, it is telling you something: perhaps a good black male is a very prized possession.
A good black male is obviously something that is subjective, but I think it's not hard to determine who would be considered good by most women. A good black male does not have to be a well-to-do doctor or some famous entertainer. A good black male could be simply one that has acknowledged the fact that there comes a time where he needs to be man; knows his responsibilities especially if he has a child and overcome whatever issues there are with the mother to take care of that child; is not suffering from ignorance-based disenfranchisement; and the list could go on. With the problems the black male demographic has, a good black male is precious and perhaps highly coveted; hence why I hear so many black women almost refusing to merely date outside the race in hopes of settling in on a good black male.
While the black male is one of the most troubled groups in this country, he is still one of the most desired groups out there.
Over the years, there has been much ado about black men mating non-black women. As a black man, I was intrigued by the title of a motion picture called "The Diary of a Tired Black Man." It was okay, I guess. I Netflixed it. It was a documentary mixed with film shorts that told a story. It evolved from a little short that played on the internet to an actual motion picture. Anyhow, the most admirable aspect of the film is that it finally showed the perspective of a decent black guy. With all that is said about black men and just men in general, not much is said about the less than stellar women that exists. In this movie, the troubles of a decent man about women were shown. Where this is relevant to the topic is one of the shorts. In this particular short, the black couple had divorced. The black guy came to the house they once owned together to do something (it escapes me since it has been a long time since I have seen it). When he arrived, his ex-wife and a pack of "attitude-having" black women were there being angry. His ex-wife was livid about who was in his car. She yells to him, "Oh no you didn't bring that white girl into my driveway!" The black guy moved on and started dating a white woman. The black women's hostility seems a little racist to me, but I won't get into that much more. So, they were upset at the black guy for merely dating a non-black woman despite them being divorced and the relationship between the black guy and the white woman having no impact on their daily lives once so ever.
To some, even in this day and age, black men being with non-black women, especially white women, is tough to swallow. Just to speculate, perhaps this is due to there being so small a pool of black men to chose from (well not really chose from, but you know what I am trying to say...I hope). Who knows? Some may think that black males have something against black women. I cannot speak for all black men, but I do not think we actually say, "hey, I'm gonna go out and find me a non-black chick!" Well, maybe some do for other exploratory reasons that I will not get into. Anyway, I could give you the perspective of a guy that has seen all or most sides of this issue.
I am going to reference Chris Rock again whether you like it or not. I cannot help myself because Rock is money on so many topics that I have actually thought about myself. I must remind you yet again that my memory when it comes to these things is horrible at best. I think it may have been his special "Never Scared" (maybe "Kill the Messenger"...I don't know really). So, he says, "...the difference between black men and black women is that black men are willing to try out the whole menu!" Again, more laughter from Christopher (me). Rock is saying that black men do not care about anything about the woman as long as she works for them. They simply want a good woman, whatever that is. If she is black or white, so be it. To be humorous, when I am asked about different women, I usually say, "no matter the race or ethnicity, it's all the same on the inside anyway." Maybe this cannot be said for women about non-black men. Whether warranted or not, black men get credit for being well endowed, great in bed, great dancers, more suave, etc. These are all stereotypes, but I can also say that stereotypes are over-generalizations of the truth. Getting back to Rock's comment, plenty of my black comrades have gone outside the race if even for a short thrill. They were not looking to go outside the race, it just happened. It's somewhat weird how one of the most discriminated against group shows the most tolerance when it comes to mate selection.
I can write this as a black male that has dated outside of my race. I can describe the woman to you here and now. She is beautiful, has one of the most gorgeous smiles I have ever seen (which actually attracted me in the first place), has an outstanding personality, a good sense of humor, very hard working and doing what she has to do to get where she wants to be, intelligent, shares many of the same viewpoints on life with me, and is very down to earth. Nowhere in this description did I mention she was Korean and why should I? Should I not give myself an opportunity at a woman simply because she is not black? The fact of the matter is that I like WOMEN. I good woman comes in all shapes, sizes, and races. Also, a bad woman comes in all shapes, sizes, and races. Why bother nitpicking race when whether or not a woman is good depends on the individual and not her particular race or ethnicity? In my opinion, it would be very narrow-minded and short-sided.
I have two relatives (well they aren't technically related, but in our family, we have certain family friends that we just call family) that are middle-age black women. On two separate occasions, each just randomly said to me, "I can see you getting with a white chick." I had a hollow if not non-existent response to that. A part of me laughed it off, another was bewildered, and another somewhat hurt. I laughed it off because it was said to me in a humorous tone, but still a little serious. I was bewildered because I did not know why this comment was warranted, especially since I have only been attracted to one white woman in my life. Also, they did not know my dating patterns to have a general idea as to what type of women I like. Lastly, I was somewhat hurt because I felt like I was slighted as to say black women would never be into me. Many thoughts ran through my mind. I thought maybe I wasn't "black" enough, "cool" enough, or lacked something that black women needed or something. I am not some stuck-up guy by any stretch of the imagination. I have never laid judgement on anyone ever. This includes any type of black woman. It was not until I was 21 when I finally fell for a non-black girl. That statement really made no sense to me other than I was seen as not good enough for my own women. That hurt me especially all that I have invested emotionally towards black women, given what they have endured and are still enduring on some level. I eventually was able to shrug it off and proceed with being who I am in comfortable manner.
I have had my fair share of problems with black women. I have been teased, ridiculed, mocked, ignored, shunned, laughed at, rejected, stood up, cursed, and everything else imaginable by black women. So? It's more a matter of being exposed to them. If I were exposed to other types of women, it would have been the same. I could easily have the excuse to just date pretty much exclusively outside of my race, but I am way too smart to know that would be, bluntly, stupid. I could not cast judgement on every black woman due to my experiences. I just have ran into women that were not into me just because they were not into me. It had nothing to due with race, but my perceived wackness to them. Today, I am just as much into black women as I am with any other type of women, though black women have a more sentimental place in my heart as a result of growing up surrounded by them. As with a lot of black males, we date outside the race just by happenstance rather than consciously and arbitrarily pursuing a non-black woman, at least for the most part. When I or any other black man is seen with a non-black woman, it should not be taken as an act of betrayal. Nobody knows what he was been through, neither have they met the woman he is with to better understand why he is with her. So, when Kanye says, "...and when you get on he leave yo ass fo ah white girl," I would hope that guy is leaving the black woman for the white woman because the white woman just so happen to be better for him rather than him thinking a white woman is a more worthy trophy than a black woman or any other kind of woman.
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